The Mixing Bowl Defense

I promised to post about a funny story about me and a bug. The theme over at DraMa's blog is wussy ways you've made other people kill bugs for you. Please keep in mind that we have pest control service at our house every two months. When you live in the desert you have to be worried about poisonous flying things and spiders. Particularity black widows and scorpions. So, to protect the home front - pest control service is a must. At least it is a muss for a big wussy like me.

As my reader(s) know, AtHomeHubby does work a couple of nights a week at a restaurant. About a year ago, he was working at the restaurant, and I was home alone with the kids. I was having a lovely evening, having gotten the kids down to sleep. I was hanging out, watching TV and decided that I needed to get my comfy pajama pants out of the laundry and change into them (don't judge me - yes, I know they were dirty. Dirty is relative).

So, I headed off to our bedroom, and into our bathroom where the laundry hamper is. So far, so good. It was about 8:30 at night, with AtHomeHubby's ETA around 10 or 11 that evening. I went into the bathroom, and picked my pajama pants off the top of the hamper. I changed into them and as I tossed my jeans into the hamper

I

saw

IT sitting on the ground.

And then I freaked. out.

I quickly patted myself down, frantically feeling all over my legs to make sure there wasn't another spider in my newly put on pajama pants. I then got that shiver up and down my spine and screamed a little (the kids were asleep after all).

Then, like the big, brave mama bear that I am, I ran out of the bathroom, out of the bedroom, shut the door behind me, and ran out into the living room. I grabbed my cell phone - jumped in the chair, started crying and rocking myself and dialed AtHomeHubby.

Ring.

Ring.

restaurant chatter in the back ground

Hubby: Hey, babe, what's up?

Me: crying hysterically

Hubby: panic - thinking that something is wrong with the kids. Steph, what is it?

Me: There's a spider

Hubby: relieved and annoyed. Um...Ok

Me: No, really, a big huge, black spider with skinny legs - I think it's a black widow and I am freaking out.

Hubby: You need to kill it.

Me: NO, YOU need to kill it.

Hubby: I'm at work.

Me: Then come home.

Hubby: You're crazy - and need to calm down. Just contain it until I get home. Hon, I've got to go, are you going to be okay?

Me: bottom lip shaking I - I - I guess so....

Hubby: see you soon - you can do it.

So, I started looking around the house for a containment device. I went through the kitchen and found our biggest yellow mixing bowl. I gathered up my courage and crept to the bathroom. Please, God, let it be in the same spot - if it is not there I am going to FREAK OUT even more.

I opened the bedroom door - and went into the bathroom.

IT was STILL THERE!!!

I took a deep breath, raised the ceramic mixing bowl over my head and slammed it down onto the carpet, trapping the black widow!!!!

After the adrenaline surge subsided a little I backed out of the room with a towel and shut the bedroom door.

I then shoved the towel under the crack in the door - JUST IN CASE!

Then I headed back to the living room, and by this time I was SO creepy crawly that I pulled the leather ottoman out into the center of the living room - checked it for bugs, and sat on top of it with my legs crossed - that way nothing could get to me.

AtHomeHubby came home about an hour later and found me there - perched on the ottoman with tear stains down my face.

What a WIMP!!!

It's a Good thing They're Cute

***special note to the men who may come across this post - while this post may help you to relate to your wife/girlfriend/sister - you may not enjoy references to hormonal cycles and feminine products. Consider yourself warned***

I understood when I got pregnant that it would change my body. My boobs might sag, I might have a tough time with losing the weight, and, as my mom warned me, I might even get a cavity or two. I even knew that my hair might get thicker (or thinner), shinier (or more dull) and I knew that my, shall we say (as does Oprah) va-j-j might not be the same after having a baby.

Sufficite to say I was 23 the first time I was pregnant - and, looking back, still thought I was pretty invincible, and figured I would bounce right back from everything. Then, when I was pregnant again at 26 - I was a little more realistic, but, still, figured that I would bounce back.

I did not.

The following are a couple of the items I blame on my darling children.

1. MY HAIR. It did get a little thicker when I was pregnant each time. When I was pregnant with Brandelion, I discovered my first grey hair - that was 6 years ago and I haven't thought about it since. Until, that is, last Sunday. AtHomeHubby and I were standing outside at church, waiting for Brandelion to use the potty (again!), when hubby looked at my head and said, "wait...don't move." Knowing my fear of all things creepy crawly, I thought he was gallantly saving me from some horrible, crawling beast. I froze and he reached for the top of my head. And then I felt it - ouch. Hubby: "wait, hold on again". Then - ouch. Me: "are you pulling out my hair?" Hubby: silent - and holding up THREE massive grey hairs. I must have looked dejected, because he rubbed it in with "do you want me to look for more?" No, I do not want you to look for MORE!!!! How could there be more - I'm 29 for god sake. Now, everytime I am in the sun, I can be found tilting my head - trying to look at my own hair for the shiny grey ones.
   I never thought I would wish that I had a bug on my head.
   
2. MY MONTHLY VISIT FROM AUNT FLOOD. When I first got my period just before I turned 12 - it wasn't bad. In fact, throughout high school and college I had the standard, every 30 days or so - 5 day long, not terrible cramps, no big whoop periods. Then, after I had Brandelion, they got even lighter, but slightly closer together. I had almost no cramps, and no other symptoms. It was awesome - having a baby had actually improved it. Then, along came DramaQueen and boy have things changed. I now have a 9 day long, every 28 day hormonalpalooza. I have RAGING mood swings and feel completely unable to manage my own life. I get wicked cramps, back pains, and headaches. It sucks - I don't know what to do about it. I am considering the surgery (or, "non-surgical procedure") where they cauterize the uterine lining, and you never have a period again. I'm scared to do that - because it is highly elective, and I don't usually advocate elective medical procedures (except the tubal ligation - that was a NECESSITY, and a story for another day). Does anyone have any imput on this???
   
3. MY FEET. They are half a size bigger. None of my old shoes fit. Of course, none of my old shoes are in style...so, really, no harm no foul. I just have ginormous size 9 feet now.


4. MY VA-J-J. Let's just say - I have no use for "regular" size tampons. And, in addition to the "sizing" changes - everything is in a different spot - pushing ever so gently against my bladder. Let's just say, I have to remember to clench when I sneeze or cough, or laugh really hard. I can only imagine in a few years I will need these. Lucky, lucky me.

I'm having a rough week this week - just wanted to vent a little.