Have you ever had jury duty?

I've been in a training seminar all week - focused on jury trials.

Here are some of the high quality tips I've received:

1. Don't face the jury with your arms crossed - it makes them think you're mean, or angry - and, especially if you're a female attorney - bitchy!

I thought it meant - "would you like a cookie?"

2. Jurors are not happy to be there.

No.

Shit.

3. Don't read verbatim from your notes - it's boring.

I think my 5th grade teacher taught me this one. I guess most lawyers aren't "smarter than a 5th grader"

4. Don't wear short skirts.

Like, you mean, Ally McBeal and Legally Blonde aren't real????

And, finally, my favorite tip of all -

5. Don't lie to the judge!

This was in the "prosecutorial ethics" lecture. Gee. Really? Don't. Lie. Hmmmm....I'll have to mull that over for a bit.

Yes, the Government Entity I work for has paid for me to listen to this for the last three days of my life.

My Super Hubby

I just have to say thank you to my beloved AtHomeHubby. He does an amazing job keeping things running on the home front while I am at work. I came home today to two lovely, clean, happy children, a meatloaf and homemade mashed potatoes in the oven, and a spotlessly clean house.

Did I mention that ALL the laundry is done?

I guess I'll have to find a way to thank him for his hard work.

I'm sure he'll have ideas.

I could draw him a bubble bath...

A box of chocolates...

A shoulder rub....

Let me put it this way: he doesn't take baths, doesn't really eat sweets, and I'm a wuss at shoulder rubs.

I'll have to think of something a man would appreciate...

any ideas?

Maybe I'll do the dishes tonight.

Ya' think that'll make him happy?

All this cleanliness begs for something not so clean...

Guess I'll have to use my wildly womanly ways...

It's a Good thing They're Cute

***special note to the men who may come across this post - while this post may help you to relate to your wife/girlfriend/sister - you may not enjoy references to hormonal cycles and feminine products. Consider yourself warned***

I understood when I got pregnant that it would change my body. My boobs might sag, I might have a tough time with losing the weight, and, as my mom warned me, I might even get a cavity or two. I even knew that my hair might get thicker (or thinner), shinier (or more dull) and I knew that my, shall we say (as does Oprah) va-j-j might not be the same after having a baby.

Sufficite to say I was 23 the first time I was pregnant - and, looking back, still thought I was pretty invincible, and figured I would bounce right back from everything. Then, when I was pregnant again at 26 - I was a little more realistic, but, still, figured that I would bounce back.

I did not.

The following are a couple of the items I blame on my darling children.

1. MY HAIR. It did get a little thicker when I was pregnant each time. When I was pregnant with Brandelion, I discovered my first grey hair - that was 6 years ago and I haven't thought about it since. Until, that is, last Sunday. AtHomeHubby and I were standing outside at church, waiting for Brandelion to use the potty (again!), when hubby looked at my head and said, "wait...don't move." Knowing my fear of all things creepy crawly, I thought he was gallantly saving me from some horrible, crawling beast. I froze and he reached for the top of my head. And then I felt it - ouch. Hubby: "wait, hold on again". Then - ouch. Me: "are you pulling out my hair?" Hubby: silent - and holding up THREE massive grey hairs. I must have looked dejected, because he rubbed it in with "do you want me to look for more?" No, I do not want you to look for MORE!!!! How could there be more - I'm 29 for god sake. Now, everytime I am in the sun, I can be found tilting my head - trying to look at my own hair for the shiny grey ones.
   I never thought I would wish that I had a bug on my head.
   
2. MY MONTHLY VISIT FROM AUNT FLOOD. When I first got my period just before I turned 12 - it wasn't bad. In fact, throughout high school and college I had the standard, every 30 days or so - 5 day long, not terrible cramps, no big whoop periods. Then, after I had Brandelion, they got even lighter, but slightly closer together. I had almost no cramps, and no other symptoms. It was awesome - having a baby had actually improved it. Then, along came DramaQueen and boy have things changed. I now have a 9 day long, every 28 day hormonalpalooza. I have RAGING mood swings and feel completely unable to manage my own life. I get wicked cramps, back pains, and headaches. It sucks - I don't know what to do about it. I am considering the surgery (or, "non-surgical procedure") where they cauterize the uterine lining, and you never have a period again. I'm scared to do that - because it is highly elective, and I don't usually advocate elective medical procedures (except the tubal ligation - that was a NECESSITY, and a story for another day). Does anyone have any imput on this???
   
3. MY FEET. They are half a size bigger. None of my old shoes fit. Of course, none of my old shoes are in style...so, really, no harm no foul. I just have ginormous size 9 feet now.


4. MY VA-J-J. Let's just say - I have no use for "regular" size tampons. And, in addition to the "sizing" changes - everything is in a different spot - pushing ever so gently against my bladder. Let's just say, I have to remember to clench when I sneeze or cough, or laugh really hard. I can only imagine in a few years I will need these. Lucky, lucky me.

I'm having a rough week this week - just wanted to vent a little.