It's a Good thing They're Cute
***special note to the men who may come across this post - while this post may help you to relate to your wife/girlfriend/sister - you may not enjoy references to hormonal cycles and feminine products. Consider yourself warned***
I understood when I got pregnant that it would change my body. My boobs might sag, I might have a tough time with losing the weight, and, as my mom warned me, I might even get a cavity or two. I even knew that my hair might get thicker (or thinner), shinier (or more dull) and I knew that my, shall we say (as does Oprah) va-j-j might not be the same after having a baby.
Sufficite to say I was 23 the first time I was pregnant - and, looking back, still thought I was pretty invincible, and figured I would bounce right back from everything. Then, when I was pregnant again at 26 - I was a little more realistic, but, still, figured that I would bounce back.
I did not.
The following are a couple of the items I blame on my darling children.
I understood when I got pregnant that it would change my body. My boobs might sag, I might have a tough time with losing the weight, and, as my mom warned me, I might even get a cavity or two. I even knew that my hair might get thicker (or thinner), shinier (or more dull) and I knew that my, shall we say (as does Oprah) va-j-j might not be the same after having a baby.
Sufficite to say I was 23 the first time I was pregnant - and, looking back, still thought I was pretty invincible, and figured I would bounce right back from everything. Then, when I was pregnant again at 26 - I was a little more realistic, but, still, figured that I would bounce back.
I did not.
The following are a couple of the items I blame on my darling children.
- MY HAIR. It did get a little thicker when I was pregnant each time. When I was pregnant with Brandelion, I discovered my first grey hair - that was 6 years ago and I haven't thought about it since. Until, that is, last Sunday. AtHomeHubby and I were standing outside at church, waiting for Brandelion to use the potty (again!), when hubby looked at my head and said, "wait...don't move." Knowing my fear of all things creepy crawly, I thought he was gallantly saving me from some horrible, crawling beast. I froze and he reached for the top of my head. And then I felt it - ouch. Hubby: "wait, hold on again". Then - ouch. Me: "are you pulling out my hair?" Hubby: silent - and holding up THREE massive grey hairs. I must have looked dejected, because he rubbed it in with "do you want me to look for more?" No, I do not want you to look for MORE!!!! How could there be more - I'm 29 for god sake. Now, everytime I am in the sun, I can be found tilting my head - trying to look at my own hair for the shiny grey ones.
I never thought I would wish that I had a bug on my head.
- MY MONTHLY VISIT FROM AUNT FLOOD. When I first got my period just before I turned 12 - it wasn't bad. In fact, throughout high school and college I had the standard, every 30 days or so - 5 day long, not terrible cramps, no big whoop periods. Then, after I had Brandelion, they got even lighter, but slightly closer together. I had almost no cramps, and no other symptoms. It was awesome - having a baby had actually improved it. Then, along came DramaQueen and boy have things changed. I now have a 9 day long, every 28 day hormonalpalooza. I have RAGING mood swings and feel completely unable to manage my own life. I get wicked cramps, back pains, and headaches. It sucks - I don't know what to do about it. I am considering the surgery (or, "non-surgical procedure") where they cauterize the uterine lining, and you never have a period again. I'm scared to do that - because it is highly elective, and I don't usually advocate elective medical procedures (except the tubal ligation - that was a NECESSITY, and a story for another day). Does anyone have any imput on this???
- MY FEET. They are half a size bigger. None of my old shoes fit. Of course, none of my old shoes are in style...so, really, no harm no foul. I just have ginormous size 9 feet now.
- MY VA-J-J. Let's just say - I have no use for "regular" size tampons. And, in addition to the "sizing" changes - everything is in a different spot - pushing ever so gently against my bladder. Let's just say, I have to remember to clench when I sneeze or cough, or laugh really hard. I can only imagine in a few years I will need these. Lucky, lucky me.
I'm having a rough week this week - just wanted to vent a little.
2 comments:
True dat! I hear ya on the raging mood swings. Currently I'm on Pamprin or something similar that has made me void of feeling and too tired to move. Somehow I'm moving my fingers right now to type this.
I've never heard of any surgeries to help matters, so I've got no feedback on that front. I do 150% understand debilitating (sp?) cramps b/c I've got some health issues that cause more pain than the average woman would feel.
Also, I'm so sorry for your vajayjay. I had c-sections, so all I can talk about is a 6 inch scar.
As an aside, that picture you have of the old woman is the avatar for a blogger named Ma Titwonky. Haaaaa ha!
Feel better soon! My husband has barely survived this day.
Okay...If I have grey hair after having kids I wouldn't know it. My hair was a perfect vairation of strawberry blonde, dirty blonde and some brown pieces and then I had kids. It all went poopy dark. So now I color color color to reclaim my lighter color. So you see, since I color it I would never know if I had grey. Hubby has a ton and has since 26. His goatee is getting more and more silver and it irks him.
For the monthly visits, mine occur on the full moon like freakin clock work which is a switch from when I was younger. Sometimes I'd go a week or two late, which as I got sexually active was quite a scary bitch. But I found out later I have hypothyroidism which effects them if not treated. Now I'm treated and they are like clockwork. My pain has moved from my back like when I was a teen and I used to tell people it was like being beaten with a baseball bat in the back, to more directly located in my va-jj region. It's odd. But I also got an added monthly bonus of excrutiating migraines. fun fun. Why can't men have babies again? *sigh*
My feet are the same: freaky size 6 flintstone feet but after my daughter I have a much larger left breast than right. WTF?
Lastly... do keegles (sic) where you exercise the walls of your va-jj and see if this helps get it... um... back in shape. As for the leaking when you sneeze? I'm right there with you sista'.
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